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CINDERELLA

?�

?�I guess you think you know this story.

You don??�t. The real one??�s much more gory.

The phoney one, the one you know,

Was cooked up years and years ago,

And made to sound all soft and sappy

Just to keep the children happy.

Mind you, they got the first bit right,

The bit where, in the dead of night,

The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,

Departed for the Palace Ball,

While darling little Cinderella

Was locked up in a slimy cellar,

Where rats who wanted things to eat,

Began to nibble at her feet.

She bellowed ???????Help!??� and ???????Let me out!??�

The Magic Fairy heard her shout.

Appearing in a blaze of light,

She said, ???????My dear, are you all right???�

???????All right???� cried Cindy. ???????Can??�t you see

???????I feel as rotten as can be!??�

She beat her fist against the wall,

And shouted, ???????Get me to the Ball!

???????There is a Disco at the Palace!

???????The rest have gone and I am jalous!

???????I want a dress! I want a coach!

???????And earrings and a diamond brooch!

???????And silver slippers, two of those!

???????And lovely nylon panty-hose!

???????Done up like that I??�ll guarantee

???????The handsome Prince will fall for me!??�

The Fairy said, ???????Hang on a tick.??�

She gave her wand a mighty flick

And quickly, in no time at all,

Cindy was at the Palace Ball!

It made the Ugly Sisters wince

To see her dancing with the Prince.

She held him very tight and pressed

herself against his manly chest.

The Prince himself was turned to pulp,

All he could do was gasp and gulp.

Then midnight struck. She shouted, ???????Heck!

???????I??�ve got to run to save my neck!??�

The Prince cried, ???????No! Alas! Alack!??�

He grabbed her dress to hold her back.

As Cindy shouted, ???????Let me go!??�

The dress was ripped from head to toe.

She ran out in her underwear,

And lost one slipper on the stair.

The Prince was on it like a dart,

He pressed it to his pounding heart,

???????The girl this slipper fits,??� he cried,

???????Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!

???????I??�ll visit every house in town

???????Until I??�ve tracked the maiden down!??�

Then rather carelessly, I fear,

He placed it on a crate of beer.

At once, one of the Ugly Sisters,

(The one whose face was blotched with blisters)

Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,

And quickly flushed it down the loo.

Then in its place she calmly put

The slipper from her own left foot.

Ah-ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,

And Cindy??�s luck starts looking sicker.

Next day, the Prince went charging down

To knock on all the doors in town.

In every house, the tension grew.

Who was the owner of the shoe?

The shoe was long and very wide.

(A normal foot got lost inside.)

Also it smelled a wee bit icky.

(The owner??�s feet were hot and sticky.)

Thousands of eager people came

To try it on, but all in vain.

Now came the Ugly Sisters??� go.

One tried it on. The Prince screamed, ???????No!??�

But she screamed, ???????Yes! It fits! Whoopee!

???????So now you??�ve got to marry me!??�

The Prince went white from ear to ear.

He muttered, ???????Let me out of here.??�

???????Oh no you don??�t! You made a vow!

???????There??�s no way you can back out now!??�

???????Off with her head!??� The Prince roared back.

They chopped it off with one big whack.

This pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,

???????She??�s prettier without her head.??�

Then up came Sister Number Two,

Who yelled, ???????Now I will try the shoe!??�

???????Try this instead!??� the Prince yelled back.

He swung his trusty sword and smack -

Her head went crashing to the ground.

It bounced a bit and rolled around.

In the kitchen, peeling spuds,

Cinderella heard the thuds

Of bouncing heads upon the floor,

And poked her own head round the door.

???????What??�s all the racket???� Cindy cried.

???????Mind your own bizz,??� the Prince replied.

Poor Cindy??�s heart was torn to shreds.

My Prince! she thought. He chops off heads!

How could I marry anyone

Who does that sort of thing for fun?

The Prince cried, ???????Who??�s this dirty slut?

???????Off with her nut! Off with her nut!??�

Just then, all in a blaze of light,

The Magic Fairy hove in sight,

Her Magic Wand went swoosh and swish!

???????Cindy!??� she cried, ???????come make a wish!

???????Wish anything and have no doubt

???????That I will make it come about!??�

Cindy answered, ???????Oh kind Fairy,

???????This time I shall be more wary.

???????No more Princes, no more money.

???????I have had my taste of honey.

???????I??�m wishing for a decent man.

???????They??�re hard to find. D??�you think you can???�

Within a minute, Cinderella

Was married to a lovely feller,

A simple jam-maker by trade,

Who sold good home-made marmalade.

Their house was filled with smiles and laughter

And they were happy ever after.

?�

?�

?�

JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

?�

Jack??�s mother said, ???????We??�re stony broke!

???????Go out and find some wealthy bloke

???????Who??�ll buy our cow. Just say she??�s sound

???????And worth at least a hundred pound.

???????But don??�t you dare to let him know

???????That she??�s as old as billy-o.??�

Jack led the old brown cow away,

And came back later in the day,

And said, ???????Oh mumsie dear, guess what

???????Your clever little boy has got.

???????I got, I really don??�t know how,

???????A super trade-in for our cow. ???????

The mother said, ???????You little creep,

???????I??�ll bet you sold her much too cheap.??�

When Jack produced one lousy bean,

His startled mother, turning green,

Leaped high up in the air and cried,

???????I??�m absolutely stupefied!

???????You crazy boy! D??�you really mean

???????You sold our Daisy for a bean???�

She snatched the bean. She yelled, ???????You chump.

And flung it on the rubbish-dump.

Then summoning up all her power,

She beat the boy for half an hour,

Using (and nothing could be meaner)

The handle of a vacuum-cleaner.

At ten p.m. or thereabout,

The little bean began to sprout.

By morning it had grown so tall

You couldn??�t see the top at all.

Young Jack cried, ???????Mum, admit it now!

???????It??�s better than a rotten cow!??�

The mother said, ???????You lunatic!

???????Where are the beans that I can pick?

???????There??�s not one bean! It??�s bare as bare!??�

???????No no!??� cried Jack. ???????You look up there!

???????Look very high and you??�ll behold

???????Each single leaf is solid gold!??�

By gollikins, the boy was right!

Now, glistening in the morning light,

The mother actually perceives

A mass of lovely golden leaves!

She yells out loud, ???????My sainted souls!

???????I??�ll sell the Mini, buy a Rolls!

???????Don??�t stand and gape, you little clot!

???????Get up there quick and grab the lot!??�

Jack was nimble, Jack was keen.

He scrambled up the mighty bean.

Up up he went without a stop,

But just as he was near the top,

A ghastly frightening thing occurred -

Not far above his head he heard

A big deep voice, a rumbling thing

That made the very heavens ring.

It shouted loud, ???????FEE Fl FO FUM

???????I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!??�

Jack was frightened, Jack was quick,

And down he climbed in half a tick.

???????Oh mum!??� he gasped. ???????Believe you me

???????There??�s something nasty up our tree!

???????I saw him, mum! My gizzard froze!

???????A Giant with a clever nose!??�

???????A clever nose!??� his mother hissed.

???????You must be going round the twist!??�

???????He smelled me out, I swear it, mum!

???????He said he smelled an Englishman!??�

The mother said, ???????And well he might!

???????I??�ve told you every single night

???????To take a bath because you smell,

???????But would you do it? Would you hell!

???????You even make your mother shrink

???????Because of your unholy stink!??�

Jack answered, ???????Well, if you??�re so clean

???????Why don??�t you climb the crazy bean.??�

The mother cried, ???????By gad, I will!

???????There??�s life within the old dog still!??�

She hitched her skirts above her knee

And disappeared right up the tree.

Now would the Giant smell his mum?

Jack listened for the fee-fo-fum.

He gazed aloft. He wondered when

The dreaded words would come... And then ...

From somewhere high above the ground

There came a frightful crunching sound.

He heard the Giant mutter twice,

???????By gosh, that tasted very nice.

???????Although??� (and this in grumpy tones)

???????I wish there weren??�t so many bones.??�

???????By Christopher!??� Jack cried. ???????By gum!

???????The Giant??�s eaten up my mum!

???????He smelled her out! She??�s in his belly!

???????I had a hunch that she was smelly.??�

Jack stood there gazing longingly

Upon the huge and golden tree.

He murmured softly, ???????Golly-gosh,

???????I guess I??�ll have to take a wash

???????If I am going to climb this tree

???????Without the Giant smelling me.

???????In fact, a bath??�s my only hope ...

He rushed indoors and grabbed the soap

He scrubbed his body everywhere.

He even washed and rinsed his hair.

He did his teeth, he blew his nose

And went out smelling like a rose.

Once more he climbed the mighty bean.

The Giant sat there, gross, obscene,

Muttering through his vicious teeth

(While Jack sat tensely just beneath),

Muttering loud, ???????FEE FI FO FUM,

???????RIGHT NOW I CAN??�T SMELL ANYONE.??�

Jack waited till the Giant slept,

Then out along the boughs he crept

And gathered so much gold, I swear

He was an instant millionaire.

???????A bath,??� he said, ???????does seem to pay.

???????I??�m going to have one every day.??�

?�

?�

?�

SNOW-WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS

?�

w hen little Snow-White??�s mother died,

The king, her father, up and cried,

???????Oh, what a nuisance! What a life!

???????Now I must find another wife!??�

(It??�s never easy for a king

To find himself that sort of thing.)

He wrote to every magazine

And said, ???????I??�m looking for a Queen.??�

At least ten thousand girls replied

And begged to be the royal bride.

The king said with a shifty smile,

???????I??�d like to give each one a trial.??�

However, in the end he chose

A lady called Miss Maclahose,

Who brought along a curious toy

That seemed to give her endless joy -

This was a mirror framed in brass,

A MAGIC TALKING LOOKING-GLASS.

Ask it something day or night,

It always got the answer right.

For instance, if you were to say,

???????Oh Mirror, what??�s for lunch today???�

The thing would answer in a trice,

???????Today it??�s scrambled eggs and rice.??�

Now every day, week in week out,

The spoiled and stupid Queen would shout,

???????Oh Mirror Mirror on the wall,

???????Who is the fairest of them all???�

The Mirror answered every time,

???????Oh Madam, you??�re the Queen sublime.

???????You are the only one to charm us,

???????Queen, you are the cat??�s pyjamas. ???????

For ten whole years the silly Queen

Repeated this absurd routine.

Then suddenly, one awful day,

She heard the Magic Mirror say,

???????From now on, Queen, you??�re Number Two.

???????Snow-White is prettier than you!??�

The Queen went absolutely wild.

She yelled, ???????I??�m going to scrag that child!

???????I??�ll cook her flaming goose! I??�ll skin ???????er!

???????I??�ll have her rotten guts for dinner!??�

She called the Huntsman to her study.

She shouted at him, ???????Listen buddy!

???????You drag that filthy girl outside,

???????And see you take her for a ride!

???????Thereafter slit her ribs apart

???????And bring me back her bleeding heart!??�

The Huntsman dragged the lovely child

Deep deep into the forest wild.

Fearing the worst, poor Snow-White spake.

She cried, ???????Oh please give me a break!??�

The knife was poised, the arm was strong,

She cried again, ???????I??�ve done no wrong!??�

The Huntsman??�s heart began to flutter.

It melted like a pound of butter.

He murmured, ???????Okay, beat it, kid,??�

And you can bet your life she did.

Later, the Huntsman made a stop

Within the local butcher??�s shop,

And there he bought, for safety??�s sake,

A bullock??�s heart and one nice steak.

???????Oh Majesty! Oh Queen!??� he cried,

???????That rotten little girl has died!

???????And just to prove I didn??�t cheat,

???????I??�ve brought along these bits of meat.??�

???????The Queen cried out, ???????Bravissimo!

???????I trust you killed her nice and slow.??�

Then (this is the disgusting part)

The Queen sat down and ate the heart!

(I only hope she cooked it well.

Boiled heart can be as tough as hell.)

While all of this was going on,

Oh where, oh where had Snow-White gone?

She??�d found it easy, being pretty,

To hitch a ride in to the city,

And there she??�d got a job, unpaid,

As general cook and parlour-maid

With seven funny little men,

Each one not more than three foot ten,

Ex horse-race jockeys, all of them.

These Seven Dwarfs , though awfully nice,

Were guilty of one shocking vice -

They squandered all of their resources

At the race-track backing horses.

(When they hadn??�t backed a winner,

None of them got any dinner.)

One evening, Snow-White said,

???????Look here, ???????I think I??�ve got a great idea.

???????Just leave it all to me, okay?

???????And no more gambling till I say.??�

That very night, at eventide,

Young Snow-White hitched another ride,

And then, when it was very late,

She slipped in through the Palace gate.

The King was in his counting house

Counting out his money,

The Queen was in the parlour

Eating bread and honey,

The footmen and the servants slept

So no one saw her as she crept

On tip-toe through the mighty hall

And grabbed THE MIRROR off the wall.

As soon as she had got it home,

She told the Senior Dwarf (or Gnome)

To ask it what he wished to know.

???????Go on!??� she shouted. ???????Have a go!??�

He said, ???????Oh Mirror, please don??�t joke!

???????Each one of us is stony broke!

???????Which horse will win tomorrow??�s race,

???????The Ascot Gold Cup Steeplechase???�

The Mirror whispered sweet and low,

???????The horse??�s name is Mistletoe.??�

The Dwarfs went absolutely daft,

They kissed young Snow-White fore and aft,

Then rushed away to raise some dough

With which to back old Mistletoe.

They pawned their watches, sold the car,

They borrowed money near and far,

(For much of it they had to thank

The manager of Barclays Bank.)

They went to Ascot and of course

For once they backed the winning horse.

Thereafter, every single day,

The Mirror made the bookies pay.

Each Dwarf and Snow-White got a share,

And each was soon a millionaire,

Which shows that gambling??�s not a sin

Provided that you always win.





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